Friday, April 29, 2005

Been a while

Haven't written here for quite some time. But I'm back now. Well, for now anyway. So much has changed in these months that it's hard to start from anything. Yet in a way, things are still the same. Or, well, not entirely the same. Right now I'm tired, somewhat numb, somewhat down. But it's not my normal state of being these days. Life is actually getting better. Sort of. I don't know. I felt like writing something but don't really have anything I feel like saying just now. Maybe later. Or maybe not. Doesn't matter.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Thoughts on love

Love isn't about taking, it's about giving. It's not about expectations or demands, it's about conditionless acceptance and support. It is a gift and can only be given freely. It is not something one can buy; neither is it something one can buy something with. Love is not ownership, it's freedom. The lover and the loved one are not bound by any obligations towards each other through that love. With pure genuine love there is no question of expectations or obligations: it all comes naturally. It does. When you truly love someone, you don't have to be reminded to care about them, be there for them or any of that. It's a natural instinct then. And if it should ever gain the feel of an obligation, one's feelings would need to be thorougly felt through, as the original source would probably have gone missing. There should be enough love for both sides within one's heart.

Being in love is one of the highest states of inspiration possible within human consciousness. It is like touching upon divinity, the very bustling creative source of life springing from your heart and soul, a song of life written in the words of love dedicated to the one that gave the inspiration. And that by itself is more than enough. To feel this magic flow through you, to hear his name resounding in your mind, see his face, the feelings overflowing, so intense that it needs and outlet yet so sacred that it cannot be said, cannot be tainted with words so rushed, all you have left is symbols, and within that flow, within that feeling, you are capable of making the most of it. The reply does not matter - the love in itself is what does.

Monday, September 20, 2004


It's been a while since I last wrote anything here. I guess I've been too busy for it, and when I did feel like I could actually be bothered to write something, I was doing that poetry site - which is moving on in time, btw, I just got through with the 24 June part finally - so this place here hasn't had much attention from me. I have had stuff I'd have wanted to say, but somehow I never got around to it. Anyway, I guess that's not going to change much at the moment, either, cause I've got to go. But at least I've now showed that I still remember the existance of this here ;-) And if anyone actually wants to see some updates on something, once again, there's several 'new' things up on the poetry site thing... anyway, going now...

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Enjoying my Sunday

The poetry site is moving along pretty well. I've finally reached the end of May with it (though a couple more still to go) and am quite amazed at the amount of stuff I'd written back then and then completely forgotten about. I do very much enjoy working with this right now. It's like, this is completely my own creation or something... feels so good. Don't really have much more to say right now. Just needed to focus on something other than that site for a bit. Enjoying it or not, but I do need some rest from it. But yeah, it's great. Life is great. And I think my cold isn't as bad today anymore. So that's great, too. Maybe I'll write some more later if I feel like it.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Poetry site

I've decided to create a place where I'd have my poetry at. There isn't much there right now but I'm hoping that'll change soon. First of all I'll have the older stuff up there, preferably in chronological order, and then I'll just update it when I'll have some newer poems that can stand the look of anyone other than me. I've still got a cold but I'm feeling better now so that's good. Hopefully I'll be good enough to be able to sing in the choir on Monday. And on Tuesday I'll have my mum get back. Man, that's creepy. I've got to have this place in order by then. I haven't eaten nearly anything of what she's left so most the food's probably gone bad and she'd probably not be happy if she discovered I've just left it there like that. Oh well, I suppose I can do SOME cleaning up... this year is going to be radically different from the previous, though. It has to be. The new school and the awesome people there and all that... I'm not planning to spend much time at home, really, not if I can help it. This is the place most likely to birth conflict at the moment, with my mum and all. I do hope that school is going to be as great for the rest of the year as it is right now. Right now I'm gonna go and start with it again, though. If anyone wants a look, it's

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Wishes can and do indeed come true...

I guess the point is to stay true to myself and stop trying to fit in perfectly with my surroundings and the people I like, even when it seems such a small difference. I guess if it can't work out the natural way, then most likely it isn't supposed to work out at all. It just sort of hit me that the person whom I was trying to become more alike is just too far from me in some ways. And that it was such a pointless thing in the first place. He did do me one favour, though. It's amazing how things can work out sometimes. There's some reason why I'd need to be in that choir. Why are the most interesting people usually the ones that lead the wildest lives? I guess the answer is that my first impression was far off from the true image of the people whom I feel drawn to yet with whom things don't work out with for some reason. I think I now understand, what happened. And it feels kind of sad... but at least now that I don't have any expectations, things might just work out alright. Maybe it's about time I realised that if there was to be something there with someone, anyone, on any level, then it'll happen no matter who that person might be surrounded by. That synch will have it happen. And all either one would need to do would be to be open to it. And if it's not happening, then it's probably not the thing to happen, any way. I'm not pissed about it, though. It's all gonna be okay. I'll just remain open to possibillities. The key is to be yourself and make the most of each moment. It is working out great. Balance is the key. And he showed me more than just that the choir thing is good. The part of 'being here'... I know it's getting better. I know everything's getting better. There's one place that I feel good about being at. There's people I feel good about, people right here, in Estonia, in Pärnu... how amazing is that? And I guess most would be quite... different from me as such. But differences make life interesting, I guess. And it was funny to realise how I really am an intuitive persception preference type person, but that my extravertedness or introvertedness depends on the situation, so in other words I'm just slightly 'I', however I'm 'N' stronger than I thought, even though the test results were saying that all along...

Okay, I know most of this stuff didn't make sense to anyone but me (and probably won't make much sense to me either if I should ever happen to read this again myself). Was just clearing out some stuff in my mind, I guess...

But things really are getting better by the minute :-)

Thursday, September 02, 2004

First days at the new school

Well, so far this has been terrific. Actually it's beyond any hopes and fears I had about it. Or, as in, it's not like what I imagined it might be like in the positive light. But it's also not like I imagined it to be at the more nervous and uncertain moments. It's different. But it's great. It's awesome. Especially Briana, the exchange student from the US. It's like, I felt I liked her from the first moments we talked. And now the initial excitement is over, but I'm starting to see that there's real ground for the feeling. I'm too tired to get into details right now, but we do have things in common. Or, well, alike at least. Like she's an INFJ (I'm INFP), and she's actually taken the test before I asked her about it, as in, well, first person who has out of the ones I know so far. She's friendly, she's intelligent and well, basically, she seems like the kind of person I would like. Though there's some things that are relevant to me and of little interest to her. (Probably vice versa as well.) But I do feel very, very positive about this.

Tomorrow's my birthday. 16. I'm going to be 16 in 6 hours (I was born a bit before 4am Moscow summer time... Estonia used to be under the Moscow timezone back then). This is kinda creepy. I mean, it's nice, but it also feels creepy. And it's also kind of sad. Now I'm officially older than Jenny Dragon in that ancient ancient story I tried to write back when I was 12. I'm planning to revive John Dragon, though. Jenny Dragon will be transformed into Crystal something, at least that's the current plan. I might change the name yet. But I haven't really found anything more suitable. If I'll ever get around to writing this thing, it's going to have things similar to the previous things I've tried to write or had ideas of, but at the same time it's going to be quite different as well. But I can imagine that it would also be pretty difficult to write as well. Or, as in, to have it all make sense and be realistic in a way, but at the same time I'm planning to include things, that I only have theoretical knowledge of, and it's going to be sort of, well, I guess it'd be somewhat following The Phoenix and his novel in terms of that. Though I'm planning to do so in little else. As in, the plot idea is a completely personal one (and a very personal one it is). I think I should start with doing some background on the characters and the town. One thing is going with the flow, but another thing is contradictions. And I'd rather avoid editing as much as possible. Which doesn't mean I wouldn't do it if it's necessary, just if I get into it too much the story doesn't progress any, and if I don't do it, then it just ends up someplace where it shouldn't. Well, anyway, I'm going to get going right now. I should try starting to write again if I actually want to do this, though.